相変わらず忙しい朝だった。急いで自分と子供の支度をして、3人乗り自転車で子供たちをそれぞれの保育園に送ってから電車で出勤した。その日の最初の仕事は、品質管理部の男性2人との打ち合わせだった。30分間、ガラス張りの会議室で、彼らと向かい合わせで、私は自分の部署の活動について報告した。自分の部署の代表になったという誇りもあって、そしてその活動はとても意義があるものと信じていたので、明るく熱心に話していた。
打ち合わせが終わったら、私はほっとして、「仕事一つ、無事にこなせたね」と思って、パソコンを持って、トイレに向かった。
しかし、鏡を見た瞬間、ショックを受けた。多忙のあまり、その日の朝はまだ鏡をちゃんと見ていなかったのだ。
私が30分間、真面目に品質管理の話をしている間に、私のブラウスのボタンは開いていて、下着が見える状態だった。立派な大人が。
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ということは、その会議の間にずっとブラウスのボタンが開いていたのか？30分間ずっと?恥ずかしい。ブラウスが開いていることに気付かなかったことだけでも恥ずかしいのに、それを大企業の会議室というフォーマルな場所でやってしまった。
彼らは30分の間、ブラウスが開いたままの私をずっと見ていた。打ち合わせが終わった後、二人で笑っているに違いない。「あの女性、ブラウス開いてたよね(笑)」。打ち合わせの間、私の話を聞いていたわけじゃなくて、私の胸を見ていただろう。または、私の胸を見ないように頑張っていたかもしれない。一瞬の恥ではなくて、30分分の恥をかいたのだ。男性の2人は気付いていないとは考えられないから、すぐに指摘してくれたら、一瞬の恥で済んだのに、30分の間に何も言わなかったことで、30分分の恥をかいた。その打ち合わせの後に私が気が付いてよかったが、その時に気が付かなかったら、一日分の恥をかいた可能性もあった。
その打ち合わせの内容は全く覚えていないけれど、何年経った今でも、その日着ていた服、相手の男性の様子とフルネームや座った場所ははっきりと覚えている。嬉しさや悲しさより、恥はいつまでも鮮明に覚えるから。
普段の生活の中で常に鏡を見ているわけではないから、誰かが自分の容姿について気が付いていないことがあれば、すぐに指摘してあげることが一番優しいことだ。
ブラウス事件以外でも、日常で「もっと早く指摘してくれたらよかったのに」と思う場面がたくさんある。
例えば、ある日、帰宅のために大井町線の電車に乗った時に、椅子に座ってスターバックスのラテが入っている紙袋を足元に置いたことがあった。しかし、およそ30分後、降りる駅に着いて、そのラテの袋を手に取ろうとした瞬間に、紙袋が乗ってすぐのタイミングに倒れてしまったということに気付いた。紙袋は濡れて潰れ、足元はもちろん濡れていて、車両中にラテが流れていた。だれも気付いていないのは考えられないのに、だれ一人指摘をしてくれなかった。およそ30分の間。足元がびしょ濡れになってしまっている間にのんきに本を読んでいる私がどれだけアホに見えていただろう。すくに教えてくれたら、被害は最小限に抑えて、他の人に迷惑をかけずに済んだはずだ。
また別の日に、私が近所のプールに行った時のこと。流れるプールでみんなが浮き輪を使っているのを見て、私も浮き輪に乗って気分よく流れに乗った。しかし、それを20分くらい乗り続けたところで、監視員は「浮き輪の上に乗ってはいけません」と注意してきた。公立の小さめのプールなので、20分間見えていないわけではないが、私が20分流れた後に指摘をされた。20分も私だけが変なことをやっていたと思うと、恥ずかしい。すぐに教えてくれたらよかった。
周りの人が指摘をしない時間が長ければ長いほど、その恥ずかしい状況をよく覚えていて恥が深くなる。指摘することが悪いことだと考えられている人がいるようだが、指摘をしない方が恥をかかせることになるので、何か気付いたら、どうか早く教えてあげてください。
長年消えない恥の思いだけでなくて、もしすぐに必要な情報を教えてあげないと、だんだん人間不信にもなる。周りの人は全員知っていたのに、だれも教えてくれなかったという状況が蓄積すると、だれも信用できなくなってしまう。大変な状況になってもだれも教えてくれなくて、助けてくれないだろう。だから、指摘をしないのが残酷だ。
The Cruelty of Silence
The only thing worse than feedback, is late feedback.
It was a busy morning as usual. I hurriedly got myself and my children ready, took them each to their respective nursery schools on the electric bike with front and back children's seats, and then took the train to work. My first job of the day was a meeting with two guys from the Quality Management Department. For 30 minutes, I reported on the activities of my department, sitting face-to-face with them across a table in a glass-walled meeting room. I was proud to represent my department, and believed that the activities were meaningful, so I spoke cheerfully and enthusiastically.
Once the meeting was over, I felt my shoulders relax in relief and thought, "Phew, I've successfully completed that job," and headed with my laptop to the toilets.
However, the moment I reached the toilets and looked in the mirror, I was shocked. I had been so busy that I hadn't looked in the mirror once that morning.
All the while I had been earnestly talking about quality control for 30 minutes, the buttons on my blouse had been open, and my underwear was visible.
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So did that mean that my blouse buttons were open the whole time during the meeting? For the whole 30 minutes?
How embarrassing. It was embarrassing enough that I didn't notice that my blouse was open, but there was also the problem that it was totally inappropriate for a formal place like a conference room of a large office.
They had looked straight at me with my blouse open for 30 minutes. After the meeting, they must have had a good laugh. "That woman had her blouse open, didn't she? (haha)". They probably weren't listening to what I was saying during the meeting, but were glancing at my chest. Or maybe they were trying their hardest not to look at my chest. This wasn't one moment of shame, this was 30 long minutes of shame replaying in my head. I can't imagine that the two guys didn't notice, so if they had mentioned it right away, it would have been only a moment of embarrassment, but by not saying anything during the 30 minutes, I experience 30 minutes worth of shame. I'm glad that I noticed it after that meeting, because if I hadn't noticed it then, I could have experienced a whole day's embarrassment.
I don't remember anything about the content of that meeting, but even now, after all these years, I clearly remember the clothes I was wearing that day, the appearance of the men, their full names, and where I sat. We remember embarrassment more vividly than happiness or sadness.
We aren't looking in the mirror all the time as we go through our lives, so if you notice something about someone's appearance, the kindest thing is to gently point it out straight away.
Aside from the blouse incident, I've encountered many other situations in my life where I just wish someone had pointed something out to me sooner.
For example, one time when I was commuting home on the train, I sat down and placed my paper bag containing a Starbucks latte at my feet. However, about 30 minutes later when I arrived at my station and reached down to pick up the latte bag, I realized that the bag had tipped over early on in the journey. The paper bag was soaked and ripped, and of course my shoes were wet, and the latte was running up and down the carriage. It was inconceivable that no one had noticed, and yet not one person pointed it out. For about 30 minutes. How stupid must I have looked, quietly reading my book while my shoes were gradually getting soaking wet. If someone had told me sooner, I could have minimized the damage and avoided causing trouble to others.
Another day, I went to a public pool nearby. I saw that everyone was using swim rings in the lazy river, so I got on my swim ring and bobbed around with the current. However, after 20 minutes of riding on my ring, the lifeguard called me over and said, "You are not allowed to sit on your swim ring." It was a small public pool, so it's not like I was invisible for 20 minutes, but she only told me after I had been floating around for 20 minutes. It's embarrassing to think that I was the only person doing something forbidden for 20 minutes. The lifeguard should have told me earlier.
The longer that people around me don't point out my error, the more I remember that embarrassing time and the deeper the shame that I feel. People often consider it difficult to tell somebody something negative, but not letting them know will result in more embarrassment, so if you notice something, please tell the person as soon as possible.
Not only does the person carry painful shame for years, if you don't tell someone the information they need right away, they will gradually lose trust in people. If you experience numerous situations where everyone around you knew something but no one told you, you come to realize that you can't trust the people around you. You realize that even if you get into a difficult situation, no one will tell you or help you. This is the cruelty of silence.
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