「ごめんね」「いいよ」と言うことは、ACMのCMに出るほど一般的に正しいとされています。私も自分の子供にそう教えています。意図的でなくても、誰かを怪我させたり、傷つけたりしたら、すぐに謝ります。どんなことでも、自分が悪かったら、謝ります。そして、謝られたら、それを受け止めて、許して、引きずらないことも大事です。
しかしこれは、本当に大事なことなのでしょうか？
Brett Jordan via Pexels
謝ることによって、自分が悪いことをしたと相手に伝えられます。傷つけられた人は自分の気持ちが認められて、安心します。そして、謝罪を受けた人は、「いいよ」と返すことで、この問題はこれで終わりにして、もう気にせずに、元の関係を続けようという意味が込められています。
私が育った家庭では、謝る・許すことを教わった記憶はありませんが、イギリスの小学校では、日本と同じように、謝ることが大事だと教わりました。「いいよ」という言い方で返してはいませんでしたが、「仲良くしましょう」を言うように指導されたと思います。基本的な考え方は同じだと思います。ただし、イギリスでは小さなことでよく謝るのに対して、日本では大きいことでよく謝るという傾向を感じます。例えば、東京では、少し人にぶつかられた時は大抵何も言われませんが、イギリスなら謝られます。一方、日本の組織の責任者が謝ることはよく見られますが、この光景はイギリスではあまり見られません。事柄の大きさは重要ではないと思いますが。
しかし、「ごめん」・「いいよ」と言葉で謝ることよりも、本当に後悔しているかどうか、そして本当に許しているかどうかが大事なのでしょうか？言葉で謝っても行動を改善しない人と、謝らないけど行動を改善する人がいると思います。言葉で謝っても自分の行動を変えない人がいると、その言葉に誠実さを感じられません。こう考えると、謝ることより、行動を改めることの方が大事でしょう。例えば、左側通行で自転車で道路を走っている時に、反対方面から右側通行で自転車で走っている人と出会い頭になることが時々あります。たまに、相手は「すみません」と謝りますが、謝った後は、そのまま右側通行で走り続けますので、その言葉を軽く感じてしまいます。ぶつかった理由について考えていなくて、反省していなくて、また同じことが起こりそうです。つまり、本当は後悔していない証拠です。
一方、過ちを謝らないけど、行動を改める 人はどう思いますか？その場で謝らないから、自分の過ちに気付いていないのか、謙虚さがないのかと思うかもしれませんが、その後の行動を見ると、実際は気付いて行動を改善しています。その場合は、許しますか？直接謝られていないので、直接許すことも伝えられないけれど、自分の中では許せますか？謝罪がなくても許すことはできますか？
そして、一番難しいのは、傷付けられた相手が謝らないで、行動も改めない場合は、許せますか？つまり、相手がその傷付けた行為を全く後悔していない場合は、許せますか？キリスト教の信者が家族の葬式でその殺人犯を許す動画を見たことがありますが、私は普段の生活の中で経験する傷でさえ、なかなか許せないでいます。過去のことはとてもよく覚えている方だと思います。特に、ネガティブな出来事は永遠と頭の中でリピート再生していますので、そのことを許して忘れたくて前に進みたいのに、なかなか難しいです。謝罪または後悔を条件として求めているから。
そう考えると、「ごめんね」「いいよ」と言うことを教えるのは大事ではないと思います。この時に必ずこう言うよと教えると、「ごめんね」も「いいよ」も必須だと学び、これがないと、終わっていないという気持ちになります。実際は、「彼の『ごめんね』の言い方はよくなかったから」「彼女のお辞儀は短すぎたから」「私の目をちゃんと見ていなかったから」と、謝罪にケチを付けて、許さない人を見ます。私たちは、謝罪にこだわり過ぎていませんか？許すことが難しいから、謝罪を求め過ぎていませんか？謝罪そのものより、自分の気持ちを伝えること、相手の気持ちを聞くことの方が大事かもしれません。
すごく傷つきました。一生忘れない痛みを経験しました。でも、大丈夫ですよ。みんな過ちを犯すのですから。
"I'm sorry", "That's okay".
Saying "I'm sorry" and "That's okay" is so commonly considered to be the right thing to do that it's even featured in an ACM advert. I teach my children to say this too. If you hurt or injure someone, even if it's unintentional, apologize immediately. No matter what, if you're in the wrong, apologize. And when someone apologizes, it's important to accept it, forgive, and not hold it against them.
But is this really so important?
By apologizing, you communicate to the other person that you did something wrong. The person who was hurt feels relieved that their feelings have been acknowledged. And when the person who receives the apology replies with, "That's okay," it means that the problem is over, they won't worry about it anymore, and the pre-existing relationship can continue.
I don't remember specifically being taught to apologize and forgive when I was growing up, but in primary school in the UK, just like in Japan, we were taught that it's important to apologize. We didn't reply with the words "That's okay," but I think we were taught to say "Let's be friends." I think the basic idea is the same in each country. However, I feel that in the UK people often apologize for small things, whereas in Japan people tend to apologize for big things. For example, in Tokyo, if someone bumps into you, they won't say anything, but in the UK you would usually hear an apology. On the other hand, it is common to see leaders of Japanese corporations apologizing, but this is not common in the UK. I don't think the size of the matter is important.
Is it more important to truly regret and forgive than to apologize verbally with "I'm sorry" and "That's okay"? There are people who don't change their behavior even though they apologized verbally, and there are people who don't apologize but correct their behavior. If someone apologizes verbally but doesn't change their behavior, I don't feel like their words are sincere. If you think about it this way, it is actually more important to change your behavior than to apologize. For example, when I'm riding my bike on the left side of the road, I sometimes come face-to-face with someone riding their bike on the right side of the road from the opposite direction. Sometimes the other person apologizes, saying "I'm sorry," but after apologizing, they continue riding on the wrong side of the road, so their words carry little weight. If you don't think about why you bumped into someone and you don't reflect on it, then it's likely to happen again. In other words, it's proof that you don't really regret it.
On the other hand, what do you think of people who don't apologize for their mistakes but change their behavior? You might think that they don't realize their mistakes or have no humility because they don't apologize on the spot, but if you look at their behavior afterwards, you see that they actually realize their mistake and improve their behavior. In that case, would you forgive them? They haven't apologized directly, so you can't tell them that you forgive them directly, but can you forgive them in your heart? Can you forgive them without an apology?
And the hardest one is, can you forgive someone who doesn't apologize and doesn't change their behavior? In other words, can you forgive them if they don't regret their actions at all? I've seen videos of Christians forgiving murderers at the funeral for their loved ones, but for me, I find it hard to forgive people even for the hurt I experience in everyday situations. I'm someone who remembers the past very well. In particular, negative events are played over and over in my head forever, so even though I want to forgive and forget about them and move forward, it's hard. Because somewhere in me, I require an apology or regret as a condition for my forgiveness.
With that perspective, I don't think it's important to teach people to say "I'm sorry" and "That's okay." If you teach people that you should always say this phrase in this situation, they learn that "I'm sorry" and "That's okay" are essential requirements, to the extent that they can't get over being wronged unless they receive a sorry, and can't move on from a mistake unless they hear that they have been forgiven. In reality, I see people who find fault with the wrong-doer's apology and will not forgive them, saying things like "The way he said 'I'm sorry' wasn't sincere enough," "Her bow was too short," or "She didn't look me in the eye properly."
Are we too hung up on apologies? Are we looking for the perfect apology because it's too difficult to forgive? Communicating your feelings to the other person and listening to their feelings may actually be more important than the apology itself.
You hurt me so deeply. I experienced pain that I will never forget. But that's okay. After all, everyone makes mistakes.
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