My concentration levels have fallen to a new personal worst. It has been on a downward trend over the past 6-7 years or so, and there was a significant drop 2 years ago but I've definitely reached new lows recently.
What I mean by concentration is holding a train of thought without getting distracted.
Previously I would sometimes forget what I was about to do, or lose my train of thought. But I've sunk down to a level I had never reached before. Some examples: I pick up my phone, or open my iPad/computer with the intention to find some little bit of information like what the weather will be tomorrow or which department does so-and-so belong to. But in that microsecond of turning my eyes to the device, something else enters my eyesight, pulls my attention, and I act on that. That something is usually always a little coloured circle with a white number inside it.
That juicy little circle that tells you how many unread messages you have. Every unread message needs your attention now. Every unread message is something that you don’t know yet, and a simple touch/click will fill the hole of your ignorance and make you complete again. It will turn that unsatisfying itch for missing information into pure satisfaction and a screen clear of coloured circles calling for your attention. Once again you will return to the state of Zen purity.
In the millisecond of glancing at an unread badge, I'm already imagining that the message is so important that it requires my attention NOW. My mind has remembered that one time when I opened a message very swiftly and was able to glean some important and timely info. My mind has conveniently forgotten all the billions (must be at least millions?) of times when I opened an unread message only to discover that it was irrelevant. It was sent from someone I didn’t know to someone I don’t know and had no information relevant to me and therefore only served to take up a few brain cells and calories that I had many better uses for. But I forgot that.
My mind tells me that the unread message is not just important. It is urgent. If I don’t open it right now, I will miss my opportunity to reply with my ever-so-important insights. I will miss the best timing. I will miss someone’s desperate cry for help that only I can solve.
Now that I have seen that numbered circle, I can choose to ignore it while I carry on with my day. But it’s still at the back of my visual mind, distracting me continuously. It teases and taunts me and nudges me saying, “But, what if?”. “Why don’t you just end this niggling tickle by just tapping on that app?” Go on. Just one click.
And the ultimate reason I have to check the message right this very second is because that message represents a connection with another human being. I want to think that I am perfectly fine just by myself. But the urge to make any connection with someone else is real. The urge may be real but the connection isn't. Just a fake little virtual connection transmitted by 0 and 1. Again, I am fooling myself that this message will fill the desire for connection with another human.
Time and again, without even a thought, I tap the app as soon as I see the badge.
Once I've done that, my mind is instantly transported into the world of the messages - to understanding the message and then deciding what to do with it, even if the answer is nothing, I still have to make a decision until I'm "done" with the message. By then, I have forgotten why I opened my phone. In fact, as soon as I've seen the notification I've already forgotten what I was going to do. And try as I might to go back in my mind and remember the original reason I opened my phone, the moment has gone, it's already gone completely. Whatever it was. Sometimes it was important - like phoning the doctor - and sometimes not very important. But, it's gone.
I've lost my Powers of Concentration to a tiny coloured circle.
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